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Gigantic Mr. Potato Head Rascist

Bucket of parts held as evidence

The Offending Spud as captured by the associated press, in his natural habitat.

Not since the Quayle potato mis-spelling media circus of the early 90s has a tuber deserved more time in the media spotlight¹. It was only a matter of time before paranoid members of minorities everywhere decided that a gigantic suntanned statue of "Mr. Potato Head" was actually harmfully rascist. He joins glitterati such as Jar Jar Binks, Ted Danson, and Oscar the Grouch, as being a symbol of the white mans oppression against the brothers.

The 6 foot tall "Tourist Tater" was painted brown to simulate a suntan as part of a campaign to attrack tourists to Warwick Rhode Island. I'm not even going to bother asking what sort of tourist would consider a 6 foot tall suntanned statue of Mr. Potato head a valid reason to get in the station wagon and drive to Warwick Rhode Island². Apparently the statue was trapping tourists who were completely unaware of its rascist potential Moniz John noticed it in a local paper and discovered that it was, in fact rascist! According to John "The only thing missing is watermelon".

I added watermelon to the potato head to see if it that would in any way alter its rascist potential. The results speak for themselves

I decided I needed to research the rascist properties of this image more thoroughly so as to prevent a fair viewpoint here. However, as a chubby dutch white boy, I feared my own qualifications weren't up to taking on the subject of what is offensive to African Americans. Despite listening to Public Enemy's 'It Takes a Nation of Millions' while writing this story³, I felt that in the name of fair journalism, I would need to seek out an actual black person, and ask his opinion on the offensive material. Since I live in Holland, Michigan, and black people are banned by local ordinance, I asked "Cliff" (name left unchanged to assign guilt) in a chat room if he found Mr. Pototo Head rascist. I showed him the image to the left, and his response was a real eye opener for me. He said "Of COURSE he is! LOOK at those stereotypical lips. Those floppy BIG EARS. I'm insulted! (that watermellon looks good, though)".

Honestly I can't imagine anyone assuming that Mr. Potato Head is a rascist symbol, but I quite frankly, don't think that his potential to offend minorities is the real problem. You see, Mr. Potato Head is no ordinary tuber: he is a master of disguise... he can carry around countless ⁴ disguises in his ass. Not only was this giving children a lesson about how to smuggle drugs and narcotics through metal detectors at airports, but it was teaching them that cross-dressing is socially acceptable. At an age where children should be engaged in harmless games like "Hop Scotch" "Asassin" and "Dodgeball", Mr. Potato head is actually teaching our youth to smuggle drugs, stick things in their asses, and cross-dress. Why else were there those girly lips and eyelashes, hmm? A 6 foot tall Mr. Potato Head would be no match for Gamera, but he could hide several lbs of fine columbian cocaine in his ass and smuggle it past the border patrol.

So Hasbro has knowingly been placing a toy into the market designed to train the children of today to be the rascist terrorists cross dressing masters of disguise capable of smuggling crack in their anus across the border where no doubt they will go straight to the inner cities to turn a quick profit. All before the part of their day where they are required to eat their graham cracker, use the flouride mouthwash, and lay down quietly for 8 seconds and pretend to be asleep.

I'm not even going to get started on "Salty Spud" and her "Orange Rain Gear". You just know what thats all about. (And when you do figure out what its all about, please let me know, because It just has to be offensive to someone).

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¹Yes. I'm aware that Quayle isn't a potato. He is actually a fungus.

² Harold and Maude Hanson from Kalamazoo, Michigan.

³ Really. Chuck D is a smart mother fucker.

⁴8. Although I lost 5.

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