I wrote this about 15 years ago. It is here for nostalgia purposes only! Forgive my grammar!
The Solution To Traffic Discovered
Get in on the ground floor, or be backed over by an SUV
You might have noticed that these days, traffic is just a little worse then it used to be. Worst of all, I'm not talking about the dirty overcrowded places like San Jose and Boston: places like this are used to taking upwards of 6 hours to make it through traffic to the corner drugstore. No, I'm talking about clean nice towns like my own Holland (town motto: America's Armpit! Smell the Tulips Dammit!). Recently Kurt The Pope and I1 happened upon to the solution to all this traffic, and while it doesn't involve executing old ladies who drive to slowly, it still might help reduce overcrowding. But at the very least, it will make sure you can get to the drugstore in time to purchase your scotch and porn, and be home in time to watch G-String Divas on HBO.
|According to recent studies made by me on a napkin while stuck in traffic, the average American wastes over 8 billion hours every year in traffic.|
So at this point you're sold. How could you not love this plan? But I'm sure you're wondering how we intend to accomplish such a wonderful and charitable plan. Here's how it works: we're forming a political party dedicated to solving the traffic problem. We realize that it will be an arduous journey2 but we feel that it is our duty to create this party so that we all can benefit from it.
Our platform is simple:
- Seize Control of the Government
- Alter Traffic Lights according to our dogma
- Retain control through rigid control of the lights.
Starting with the day The Trafficlight Party gains control of the federal and state governments, the color of the lights you see will be affected by your membership in The Trafficlight Party. Kurt, as the inventor/creator of the party, will always have a green light at any intersection he ever encounters from that glorious day on. As the secretary of the party, and #2 member of the Trafficlight Party, I will get green lights at every intersection, unless kurt is jockeying for the same set of lights, in which case, he will take precedence, and I'll grudgingly accept my red light. The third member is Chris: his contribution to the party is the idea of charging a small membership fee to all joiners, starting with member #4, and continuing until we have enough members to overrun the government.
Now you might ask how we intend to accomplish this considering that we live in a democracy. HAH! Foolish mortal! If George W Bush can become the leading candidate for president based soley on good looks, money, and a famous last name, and the full backing of the most powerful group of old white rich guys since the height of the christian church in the dark ages, then certainly with just a little ingenuity, we can sieze enough power to get our laws into place, and get it enforced: thats why members in The Trafficlight Party (starting with member #4) will be required to pay a small (large) membership fee.
First off, we're going to reserve several thousand slots high up in the queue for high ranking government officials willing to accept a slot in exchange for their vote on certain critical issues. Now I realize that some of might disaprove of this bribery, but screw you. If people like you were in charge we probably never would have traffic problems on the moon either. This is america goddammit, where even the poorest of citizens has the right to bribe high ranking officials to get their way. Thats also what the small (large) membership fee will be used for. Any senator who refuses to vote our way will be fed to our pet cobra "Bubbles".
|Join early, or this could be you. "Jon" hasn't seen a green light in 9 years. He can't vote us out of power because it takes him 7 months to get through the lights between his townhouse and the polls. And thats just 2 miles!|
Even with the obvious advantage of using the lowest slots in the priority queue to torture your arch nemesisis3, there is the problem that a full 50% of the population is going to be actually hurt by this new legislation, but we must not let something like half the population stand in our way. No! Remember that only like 40% of americans actually bother taking time out of their busy day watching Just Shoot Me to actually vote! We only need to get 20% of america to buy into our plan to get it pushed through any poll! And folks that don't choose to accept our dogma will find getting to the polls very difficult come election day as they wait for hours and hours at busy intersections as members of our party speed by on their way to the polls. You can't repeal legislation if you're stuck at a red light for 9 hours on election day, can you!
So now that you're convinced, and asking yourself, how do I join? Well, I'm glad you asked. We've made it extremely easy for you to join the Trafficlight Party. Simply fill out the form below to be issued your membership:
1Well, it was mostly his idea, but I was the one who wrote it down.
2Looking up "Arduous" in a dictionary to confirm spelling and definition is part of "Phase 2" of our plan.
3It might be a word.